Tape them under your nose, so that you look French.
Make the Eiffel Tower out of them.
Play 52 Pick Up.
Throw them at mimes and old people.
Have a sword-fight.
Dip them in wine.
Put an abnormally large amount of French Fries in your mouth and attempt to say "Bon Jour!"
Use them as band-aids and put them on boo boos.
Paint a picture of the Louvre using a french fry as a paintbrush.
Use them for acupuncture.
See how long you can have a French Fry in your nose before you get tempted to eat it.
Hand them out to French artists in the park.
Use them as darts and throw them at a target.
Make a French robot.
Disguise them as French bread.
Wear them on your head like a beret.
If you have any other brilliant ideas of ludicrous things to do with French Fries, or would just like someone to talk to, feel free to comment below. If you're wondering where the picture is from, I got it from another blog.
I wonder if anyone has ever made a movie about an old man who carried balloons around and had a talking dog. Oh, yes. They have.
Now, speaking completely of original movies with cliche characteristics, Disney movies are all the same. No one wants to admit it, but it's true. So what are the characteristics of a cliche Disney movie?
Most of them are remakes of old fairytales.
The girls are always pretty.
They all have some sort of animal who is the main character's best friend. If you don't believe me, just look.
Pinnochio has a fish.
Cinderella has mice and birds.
The Black Cauldron has a pig.
Aladdin has a monkey.
Pocahontas has a hummingbird and a raccoon.
Mulan has a dragon and a cricket.
The Emperor's New Groove has a squirrel.
Tangled has a frog.
Oh, and the rest are ABOUT animals.
The girls usually love family and reading.
They tend to be a bit controversial. Don't believe me?
...The crows in Dumbo were uneducated, poor, lazy, and loved jazz music. They were also voiced by African-Americans.
...Peter Pan was racist against the Native Americans, and included a song called "What Makes the Red Man Red?"
...The Siamese cats in Lady and the Tramp had poor grammar and mixed their R's and L's.
...The apes in The Jungle Book. Well, they can be racist against a lot of people.
...A song in Aladdin includes the lyrics "Where they cut off your ear if they don't like your face. it's barbaric, but hey. It's home." This is racist against pretty much the entire Middle Eastern culture.
They tend to have some goofy character.
They all have a villain.
Most of the characters do not have both parents.
There is always singing.
I hope you see my point. Disney is getting quite a bit cliche. If you disagree or would just like someone to talk to, you can comment below. The picture is from here.
Why is it that according to world-renowned intellectual, Julian Smith, grandmas are better than grandpas? Is it because they're the ones who make delicious cookies? Or could it be that they absolutely dominate at checkers? Maybe it's because they are expert doily makers. There is a small possibility that it's because they make tapioca pudding that is to die for. (I would literally die before eating tapioca pudding that my granny made.)
Anyways, be what it may, I think that there is no evidence to support Julian's opinion and that he should be put in prison for showing favoritism when it comes to the dying race of grandparents, which concludes my very short and concise complaint against Julian Smith. Now, it is your turn to join the movement for equality of the grandparents. If you would be so kind as to watch the videos below, comment, and vote on the poll, grandparents all over the world will heave a sigh of pure happiness and relief just knowing that there are people out there that support the newly founded movement.
Random fact: In the United States, there are over 80 million grandparents.
Another random fact: the picture came from here.
John Locke was named after a 17th century philosopher who described individuals as "tabula rasa" or "blank sheet."
The average pilot of a tv show costs $4 million, but LOST's premiere episode cost somewhere between $10 million and $14 million.
In France, the show is called "Lost: Les Desparus" which has two connotations--the missing people or the dead people.
Parts of the plane were used as percussion instruments in the soundtrack.
The pilot attracted 18.65 viewers.
The actors who play Charlie, Jack, and Hurley all auditioned for the part of Sawyer.
Kate was originally supposed to be an elderly woman who was separated from her husband, but they ended up using that idea for Rose.
Charlie's band was originally going to be called "The Petting Zoo."
The symbol on Boone's shirt is Chinese for the number 84, which, when switched around is 48, the number of survivors on the island.
The number 42 is taken from Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy, where it is the answer to life, the universe, and everything.
Evangeline Lily almost didn't get to be in LOST, because the creators thought that her Canadian citizenship might be an issue.
In the original script for LOST, Jack was supposed to be killed by the monster when they arrived at the cockpit.
Ethan Rom is an anagram for "other man."
Ranked #5 on Empire magazine's 50 Greatest TV Shows Of All Time
Anthony Cooper, Locke's dad, was named after an 18th century philosopher who studied under John Locke.
It won 55 awards, including a Golden Globe, and was nominated for 256 other awards.
Danielle Rousseau was named after Jean Jacques Rousseau an 18th century Enlightenment philosopher who believed that civilization corrupts people.
Season 1 has some similarities to William Golding's novel Lord of the Flies.
The name Richard Alpert is a reference to the real life ex-Harvard psychologist Dr. Richard Alpert (aka Ram Dass).
Of the six mysterious numbers, 23 is used the most. Kate gets turned in
for $23,000; 23 people die when Hurley stepped on a platform/dock and it
collapsed; flight 815's gate number is 23; Jack's seat number is 23;
and the room number where the Dharma group do experiments is #23.
Charlotte's full name is Charlotte Staples Lewis, which is after C.S. Lewis, and shows the unpredictable nature of time on the island.
Jeremy Bentham, Locke's pseudonym, also alludes to an English philosopher.
Rose and Bernard are the only survivors who don't die or leave the island.
The amount of money Hurley says he won in the jackpot changes, at least twice.
Please feel free to share your newly accumulated useless knowledge with every neighbor, coworker, and great aunt that you know.
As I'm sure you're already aware, Halloween is coming up. You know what that means? It means you have to watch a whole bunch of movies that make you pee your pants, fling popcorn in your neighbor's face, and eat candy corn like the kids in Lord of the Flies ate wild pigs. By the way, Lord of the Flies is a good example of a dystopian novel. A dystopia is a utopia that goes all wrong and becomes the opposite of a utopia for some people. If you still have no idea what a dystopia is, read The Giver or volunteer for the hunger games. Okay, now that all you unintellectual people have a vague idea of what this world is coming to, I will move onto more difficult, important subjects.
Doilies. Doilies are perfectly sewn rags that old people use at tea parties and to cover a deceased person's face. They've been around for about as long as Harvard. Yet, they are still considered fancy. In my opinion, they probably soak the doilies in bleach and glue every night to keep them looking nice. Anything that's been in use for 400 years tends to look a little crusty and...old. My advice for you is:
If you are eating at someone's house and they serve you a cookie on a doily, don't accept it. It probably hasn't ever been washed in the 400 years that it's been around. Remind yourself that the only reason that it isn't the color of chocolate is because they bleach it. I'm afraid that if you were to even touch an ancient doily, your bones would rot and you would become a mummy.
However, they have now invented a special kind of doily that even those aware of their side affects will cautiously use. They're called "disposable doilies." This means that after one day in use, the owner can throw it away without worrying that by getting rid of it, they are disgracing the name of their great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother who sewed it when she was coming across on the Mayflower. Gosh, civilization is progressing so much that now we can throw away disgusting doilies. Ah, but don't get too happy, my loyal reader. Disposable doilies are the first step towards a dystopian earth. What a cheerful future we have in store for us.
Happy Halloween. I hope that this story enabled you to accomplish some of the necessary Halloween traditions, such as peeing your pants and eating candy corn.
I hope that there were at least a dozen spontaneous sobs when you all realized that your favorite person in the world, me, didn't post when I was supposed to. And why is that? Well, I feel as if someone has been yelling "ROOM SERVICE" in my ear every 3 seconds for the past couple of hours. In other words, I have a headache. Yes, you can feel sorry for me all you want, or you can cheer me up by going away. No, just kidding. I would never disappoint someone like that. Instead, I am just going to post three hours later than I usually do, because you know what? A little suspense never killed anyone. Well, except that one guy.
Anyways, waffles. To start off, here is an inspirational song about the history of waffles.
1. Make a castle out of them.
2. Throw them at people.
3. Play heads or tails.
4. Start a game of checkers by conveniently putting syrup in only half the squares.
5. One word: Air hockey.
6. Disguise it as a pancake.
7. Bite eyes and a mouth in one and use it as a mask.
8. Give all your friends a motivational speech about the inequality between waffles and pancakes. I mean really. Why is it that pancakes always get better treatment?!
9. Hand them out to homeless people in the park.
10. Go to the check-out at a store and ask if they accept waffles as a currency.
11. Eat them like a llama. (If you are not sure how to do this, just watch Emperor's New Groove or contact Beatrice, my friend who's hoping to get a Ph.D. in eating like a llama.)
12. Make a hundred waffles, sew them all together, and use them as a blanket. Or pillow. They both work.
13. Make puppets out of them.
14. Create a waffle sculpture in the shape of a turkey and show it off to all your acquaintances.
15. Invent a way to be intimidating while eating them.
Although, if you want to have cool friends, you had better share your waffles. Putting someone else before yourself never hurt anyone. Well, except that one guy. Anyways, if you're wondering where the picture is from, it's from here.
In my opinion, yodeling sounds like a lemur being blended up in a helicopter propeller that's made out of jello. But you know, you can't blame lemurs for the screeching sounds that come out of their mouth. Anyone in that situation would sound the same. Actually, if a leprechaun were being blended up, I bet it would sound a bit more interesting. Extra credit to anyone who tries it. Just not at home.
Anyways, speaking of yodelers, yodel actually means to utter the syllable "yo." Doesn't that mean that all you should hear is, "yooooooooyooyoyooooyooyoyoyoy?" But for some reason, that is not the case. Instead we hear a bunch of, "Yoddlegurgleyeaaaaaohdelalalagobblelinglingla." According to my calculations, yodelers need to learn how to actually yodel instead of sounding like turkeys.
The real reason that yodeling was even invented was not to show off your zero musical talent, but to communicate with herders in the alps. Yes, the alps. Like where they make chocolate. You know what I always say... "What happens in the alps stays in the alps." That should've been the case, but then a bunch of very nonintellectuals decided to give life to a dying art. Actually, it isn't even art. It's a misplacing of what could, if you lived in China, be referred to as talent.
Believe it or not, there is an article on Wikipedia called, "First Professional Yodelers in the United States." What a paradox. No one in their right mind would put the words "professional" and "yodel" in the same sentence. I no longer respect Wikipedia as I once did. Any website that has a full page on yodeling does not deserve even an ounce of respect.
Moral to story: if you want to waste your life yowling like Tarzan and wearing nothing but a cloth, go ahead. But as for me, I am going to spend my time wisely....writing about the peculiarities of human nature.
If you're wondering where the picture is from, it's from here.
Hesitantly get off the elevator, and then get back on, and go back and forth, pretending that you're having a nervous breakdown
If any of the passengers have luggage, ask them if they brought any toothpaste. If they did, beg to borrow some.
Start a lemonade stand with coffee from the lobby.
Group hug!
If anyone tries to enter in a swimsuit, tell them, "Socks and shirts or no service."
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
Every time the doors are sliding open, pretend like you have the force.
Sing "This is the song that never ends"
Bring a water gun and starting shooting everyone.
Tell stupid jokes.
Pretend like everyone on the elevator is deaf, and start yelling "room service!" right in their ear, and then keep yelling it until they get off.
Try to order pizza on the emergency phone.
Any time someone gets on, offer to give them a tour of the elevator.
Talk on your cellphone about some guy who's on the loose, then when you have everyone's attention, yell, "I think I found him!" and point at the most innocent looking of the group.
Play dead.
I got some of these from various websites. I also had help from January Galaxy and Candy Panda. And I made up the rest.
I am not the lady in this picture. This picture is from here.
Have you ever wondered why lunch ladies always seem to appear so vicious? Yep, that is the hairnet's effect on mankind. Hairnets are intimidating and antagonistic. They pollute human nature and (most likely) are preparing for world domination. In fact, they have been getting ready for it for quite some time now. According to all the important news articles in the world, hairnets were around even in ancient Greece. You know what that means? It means that it was most likely some Greek god who invented hairnets. I bet that Ares invented the hairnet as a means to one day rule the entire universe. Just my suspicions though. Don't spread that around because, who knows, you might run into the real inventor. That would be pretty awkward.
Speaking of ugly hats, I'm pretty sure that psychological issues were born around the same time as hairnets were invented. Just a coincidence? I think not.
The way hairnets work is they are made up of a bunch of particles of mind controlling substances that have a bunch of thin little cilium that feed off of any living organism in the proximity. That living organism just happens to be your hair, or if you have none, your head. Doesn't that make all you lunch ladies, bald men, and leprechauns feel so proud of yourselves? Yuck. Just thinking of those bloodthirsty nets makes me want to cough up a hairball.
Have I scared you all out of minds yet? Hopefully I have, or else what I'm going to say next will be of absolutely no use to you. What I'm going to say next is how to identify whether someone is wearing a malicious hairnet or not.
1. Look on their head If they're wearing one, you'll see it.
2. Check your food. If it has absolutely no hairs in it, they're wearing one.
3. Type "is my lunch lady wearing a hairnet" into Google search.
Well, I hope I have warned you all sufficiently of the dangers of hairnets. Now I ask you to all go out and warn your favorite family members, friends, and anyone suffering from alliumphobia. If you have any complaints, Gertrude is on vacation, but feel free to post your reproach below. Or, if you are feeling intellectual, just post a comment anyways.
I'm posting today solely for the purpose of getting business booming like a mine field again, because you know what? Looking at my stats is quite depressing, especially if the views are under two digits. Okay, now that I have stated my opinions on life, the government, and men in general, we shall move on. But first, a joke...
Q: How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: To get the other side!
If you are suffering from Alzheimer's or have a close relative suffering from it, my apologies. This joke was not directed at you, but at the clown fish in Australia. Speaking of fish, I once had a colorful paper fish hanging from my ceiling. But then she died, and we flushed her down the trash. On this very day 8 years ago, was her death day. She was a great friend to all mimes, nuns, and almonds. And I think that she will have some very nice friends at the junk yard, if they haven't cremated her yet. Sorry to depress you with talk of my aquatic paper pet, but some things just stay with you forever.
This is not my actual fish, because sadly, my fish is dead.
I stole this fish from a terrific place.
Psychologically speaking, (and also according to my English teacher,) people cannot think until they have words in their head. This is a simple explanation as to why I remember absolutely every boring detail of my childhood, including every single time that anyone ever promised me anything. Tip: don't promise me anything or tell me anything that you want me to forget. It won't happen. Because I, an intellectual human bean, do not forget.
Here is a simple test to find out whether you are intellectual or not. Go back 20 words, read, and if your brain does not connect that it is indeed supposed to say being, instead of bean, then you are not intellectual. But no need to worry, hardly anyone in this world is anyways. I just happen to be the exception. Be jealous all you want, comment how this post affected you psychologically, and if you see my pet fish, tell her I miss her. Tip: don't make fish out of paper...Save the trees!
"When traveling by bus, it is always difficult to decide whether you should sit in a seat by the window, a seat on the aisle, or a seat in the middle. If you take an aisle seat, you have the advantage of being able to stretch your legs whenever you like, but you have the disadvantage of people walking by you, and they can accidentally step on your toes or spill something on your clothing. If you take a window seat, you have the advantage of getting a clear view of the scenery, but you have the disadvantage of watching insects die was they hit the glass. If you take the middle seat, you have neither of these advantages, and you have the added disadvantage of people leaning all over you when they fall asleep. You can see at once why you should always hire a limousine or rent a mule rather than take the bus to your destination." - Lemony Snicket
My experiences on buses are probably some of the most interesting and influential moments of my day. For example, one day when I was riding the bus into the city with a friend we will from now on be calling Beatrice, a blind man did not see that I was there (hahaha... I am so pun-full) and actually sat on my lap before Beatrice told him he was crushing a human being, not a seat.
Another time, when I was riding the bus back from the city with a handful of friends, there was a group of maybe five or so hippies all strumming their way to the beach. One of the hippies, who was covered in fake henna and playing the guitar, was not expecting the bus to turn so sharply, and fell on my lap, guitar and all. Of course, my friends did not come to my aid, but merely laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation.
Those of course are just two examples of my strangely bizarre encounters with buses. Maybe if you get on your knees and promise me some tapioca pudding, I will condescend to telling you my other wonderful stories involving buses. No, actually I have never had tapioca pudding, and don't plan to. But if you'd like, you could give me some money or a bald poodle or something else of interest.
Also, if you, my sometimes fickle reader, have something contrariwise to say about buses or have anything important to say at all, you can report to my secretary, Gertrude, or just post a comment below.
Some things in life do not deserve half as much attention as they get. My opinion however, deserves attention. Everything I say demands attention from every animal byproduct and Gucci lover in the world. If you are not in either of those categories, please write a detailed email about the inequality and injustice of your social state to my secretary, who will from now on be called Gertrude.
As I was saying, some things are just so ludicrous that no one should ever recommend them to any acquaintance of any sort unless they want that acquaintance to suffer from a long, painful death. Sorry to plague your electronic device with so much Julian Smith, but this video just fit so much into the category of "ludicrous," that I just had to share it.
Though this video appears to be insulting Google, it is not. Google is the single most valuable website in progression of the Universe. If you have never heard of Google, you must be some monkey by the name of Clyde, or some man who suffers from Bananaphobia.
In the end, every male, female, and parrot will have played some part in the success of Google, Julian Smith, and myself, Emerald Avalanche.
Emerald sat at the computer and did what she did every Monday: she pretended it wasn't indeed the day that the calendar said it was. In fact, she almost had herself fooled into believing that it was still the weekend, when something spectacular happened. Julian Smith sang her a song. This song.
Now hopefully you understand why the circumstances changed, why Emerald is a little bit cranky, and why she has tried to cheer herself up by speaking in third person. Primarily, she had thought that speaking with a British accent would cheer herself up, but then she realized that it is very hard to write with an accent, and so attempted to console herself by using the unique technique "pretending that you are not yourself, but are instead someone else watching yourself."
In the end, Emerald gave up on the whole idea of trying to make herself cheerful. However, you may still have a chance. Whenever other people who are not Emerald become a little bit grumpy, they usually try something a little bit tedious like telling jokes. Here I will provide you with an example of a joke.
Q: What did one lawyer say to another lawyer?
A: We are both lawyers.
Just in case you were wondering, the picture is from here.
Dr. Seuss is, and always has been, one of my heroes. Never in the history of man has there been a writer with so much creativity, and so much influence on the world. Below I have listed every ounce of pointless knowledge about him that my brain holds.
His Real name is Theodore Seuss Geisel.
Seuss is pronounced "Zoice."
He never had any kids, but dedicated one of his books to imaginary daughter Chrysanthemum-Pearl.
His first book, And To Think I Saw It On Mulberry Street was rejected by 27 publishing companies before finally being accepted.
The first recorded instance of the word "nerd" was in If I Ran the Zoo.
He wrote The Cat In the Hat because children thought Dick and Jane were too boring.
It took 9 months to write.
The cat is portrayed as the Christ figure. He arrived suddenly, performed miraculous tricks, and couldn't win over everyone.
Mack, from Yertle the Turle, was the first character to burp in a children's book.
Yertle symbolizes Hitler
Dr. Seuss' editor, Bennet Cerf, bet that he couldn't write a book with 50 words or less, which produced Green Eggs and Ham.
He wrote The Lorax in 45 minutes.
It used to contain the line, "I hear things are just as bad up in Lake Erie." But the Ohio Sea Grant Program wrote and said conditions were better and begged to have that line removed. Now later editions don't have that line anymore.
Marvin K. Mooney, Will You Please Go Now is thought to be about Richard Nixon.
The Butter Battle Book is about the cold war and arms race.
It was on the New York Times' bestseller list for 6 months...for adults.
Oh The Places You'll Go, Dr. Seuss' final book, sells 300,000 copies a year, due to the fact that it is an ideal graduation gift.
Please feel free to share your newly accumulated useless knowledge with every relative and friend within the vicinity, or not.
A clever plague has taken over at least 80% of the universe.
This ingenious and sometimes murderous virus goes by the name "music." Music controls many aspects of any ordinary person's day to day life. If you are by some strange coincidence me, or for some reason think you are me, then music can change the way that your brain works. I listen to music to help me think, or to awaken creativity.
Sometimes music can affect your entire day. For example, my alarm clock wakes me up with lovely music every morning at 6:30. The song choice of the day depends on my mood the night that I set it. Sometimes my music choice is absolutely terrible (like waking up to Bob Marley's I Shot the Sheriff) and I end up being in a bad mood for the rest of the day. However, if I wake up to Noah & the Whale's Blue Skies, the day will inevitably be a good one. Moral to story, music has taken over the world.
And what does wonderful Emerald have to say on the subject of leprechauns? Well, if you were in any way excited to hear about some grimy Irish creature, sorry to dash your spirits. I lured you here under false pretenses, but I hope that someday you will forgive me. If not, it's your loss. Anyways, here's what you should have come here for:
