Gaudy Grannies

Why is it that according to world-renowned intellectual, Julian Smith, grandmas are better than grandpas? Is it because they're the ones who make delicious cookies? Or could it be that they absolutely dominate at checkers? Maybe it's because they are expert doily makers. There is a small possibility that it's because they make tapioca pudding that is to die for. (I would literally die before eating tapioca pudding that my granny made.)

Anyways, be what it may, I think that there is no evidence to support Julian's opinion and that he should be put in prison for showing favoritism when it comes to the dying race of grandparents, which concludes my very short and concise complaint against Julian Smith. Now, it is your turn to join the movement for equality of the grandparents. If you would be so kind as to watch the videos below, comment, and vote on the poll, grandparents all over the world will heave a sigh of pure happiness and relief just knowing that there are people out there that support the newly founded movement.

 Random fact: In the United States, there are over 80 million grandparents.
Another random fact: the picture came from here.

17 Things To Do With Waffles

I hope that there were at least a dozen spontaneous sobs when you all realized that your favorite person in the world, me, didn't post when I was supposed to. And why is that? Well, I feel as if someone has been yelling "ROOM SERVICE" in my ear every 3 seconds for the past couple of  hours. In other words, I have a headache. Yes, you can feel sorry for me all you want, or you can cheer me up by going away. No, just kidding. I would never disappoint someone like that. Instead, I am just going to post three hours later than I usually do, because you know what? A little suspense never killed anyone. Well, except that one guy.

Anyways, waffles. To start off, here is an inspirational song about the history of waffles.

1. Make a castle out of them.

2. Throw them at people.

3. Play heads or tails.

4. Start a game of checkers by conveniently putting syrup in only half the squares.

5. One word: Air hockey.

6. Disguise it as a pancake.

7. Bite eyes and a mouth in one and use it as a mask.

8. Give all your friends a motivational speech about the inequality between waffles and pancakes. I mean really. Why is it that pancakes always get better treatment?!

9. Hand them out to homeless people in the park.

10. Go to the check-out at a store and ask if they accept waffles as a currency.

11. Eat them like a llama. (If you are not sure how to do this, just watch Emperor's New Groove or contact Beatrice, my friend who's hoping to get a Ph.D. in eating like a llama.)

12. Make a hundred waffles, sew them all together, and use them as a blanket. Or pillow. They both work.

13. Make puppets out of them.

14. Create a waffle sculpture in the shape of a turkey and show it off to all your acquaintances.

15. Invent a way to be intimidating while eating them.

16. Use them as a hairnet.

17. Don't share them.

Although, if you want to have cool friends, you had better share your waffles. Putting someone else before yourself never hurt anyone. Well, except that one guy. Anyways, if you're wondering where the picture is from, it's from here.

Ostentatious Overratedness

Some things in life do not deserve half as much attention as they get. My opinion however, deserves attention. Everything I say demands attention from every animal byproduct and Gucci lover in the world. If you are not in either of those categories, please write a detailed email about the inequality and injustice of your social state to my secretary, who will from now on be called Gertrude.
As I was saying, some things are just so ludicrous that no one should ever recommend them to any acquaintance of any sort unless they want that acquaintance to suffer from a long, painful death. Sorry to plague your electronic device with so much Julian Smith, but this video just fit so much into the category of "ludicrous," that I just had to share it.

Though this video appears to be insulting Google, it is not. Google is the single most valuable website in progression of the Universe. If you have never heard of Google, you must be some monkey by the name of Clyde, or some man who suffers from Bananaphobia.

In the end, every male, female, and parrot will have played some part in the success of Google, Julian Smith, and myself, Emerald Avalanche.

Malevolent Monday

Emerald sat at the computer and did what she did every Monday: she pretended it wasn't indeed the day that the calendar said it was. In fact, she almost had herself fooled into believing that it was still the weekend, when something spectacular happened. Julian Smith sang her a song. This song.

Now hopefully you understand why the circumstances changed, why Emerald is a little bit cranky, and why she has tried to cheer herself up by speaking in third person. Primarily, she had thought that speaking with a British accent would cheer herself up, but then she realized that it is very hard to write with an accent, and so attempted to console herself by using the unique technique "pretending that you are not yourself, but are instead someone else watching yourself."

In the end, Emerald gave up on the whole idea of trying to make herself cheerful. However, you may still have a chance. Whenever other people who are not Emerald become a little bit grumpy, they usually try something a little bit tedious like telling jokes. Here I will provide you with an example of a joke.

Q: What did one lawyer say to another lawyer?

A: We are both lawyers.            

Just in case you were wondering, the picture is from here.