Yowling Yodelers

In my opinion, yodeling sounds like a lemur being blended up in a helicopter propeller that's made out of jello. But you know, you can't blame lemurs for the screeching sounds that come out of their mouth. Anyone in that situation would sound the same. Actually, if a leprechaun were being blended up, I bet it would sound a bit more interesting. Extra credit to anyone who tries it. Just not at home.

Anyways, speaking of yodelers, yodel actually means to utter the syllable "yo." Doesn't that mean that all you should hear is, "yooooooooyooyoyooooyooyoyoyoy?" But for some reason, that is not the case. Instead we hear a bunch of, "Yoddlegurgleyeaaaaaohdelalalagobblelinglingla." According to my calculations, yodelers need to learn how to actually yodel instead of sounding like turkeys.

The real reason that yodeling was even invented was not to show off your zero musical talent, but to communicate with herders in the alps. Yes, the alps. Like where they make chocolate. You know what I always say... "What happens in the alps stays in the alps." That should've been the case, but then a bunch of very nonintellectuals decided to give life to a dying art. Actually, it isn't even art. It's a misplacing of what could, if you lived in China, be referred to as talent.

Believe it or not, there is an article on Wikipedia called, "First Professional Yodelers in the United States." What a paradox. No one in their right mind would put the words "professional" and "yodel" in the same sentence. I no longer respect Wikipedia as I once did. Any website that has a full page on yodeling does not deserve even an ounce of respect.

Moral to story: if you want to waste your life yowling like Tarzan and wearing nothing but a cloth, go ahead. But as for me, I am going to spend my time wisely....writing about the peculiarities of human nature.

If you're wondering where the picture is from, it's from here.

Hostile Hairnets

I am not the lady in this picture. This picture is from here.

Have you ever wondered why lunch ladies always seem to appear so vicious? Yep, that is the hairnet's effect on mankind.  Hairnets are intimidating and antagonistic. They pollute human nature and (most likely) are preparing for world domination. In fact, they have been getting ready for it for quite some time now. According to all the important news articles in the world, hairnets were around even in ancient Greece. You know what that means? It means that it was most likely some Greek god who invented hairnets. I bet that Ares invented the hairnet as a means to one day rule the entire universe. Just my suspicions though. Don't spread that around because, who knows, you might run into the real inventor. That would be pretty awkward.

Speaking of ugly hats, I'm pretty sure that psychological issues were born around the same time as hairnets were invented. Just a coincidence? I think not.

The way hairnets work is they are made up of a bunch of particles of mind controlling substances that have a bunch of thin little cilium that feed off of any living organism in the proximity. That living organism just happens to be your hair, or if you have none, your head. Doesn't that make all you lunch ladies, bald men, and leprechauns feel so proud of yourselves? Yuck. Just thinking of those bloodthirsty nets makes me want to cough up a hairball.

Have I scared you all out of minds yet? Hopefully I have, or else what I'm going to say next will be of absolutely no use to you. What I'm going to say next is how to identify whether someone is wearing a malicious hairnet or not.

1. Look on their head If they're wearing one, you'll see it.
2. Check your food. If it has absolutely no hairs in it, they're wearing one.
3. Type "is my lunch lady wearing a hairnet" into Google search.

Well, I hope I have warned you all sufficiently of the dangers of hairnets. Now I ask you to all go out and warn your favorite family members, friends, and anyone suffering from alliumphobia. If you have any complaints, Gertrude is on vacation, but feel free to post your reproach below. Or, if you are feeling intellectual, just post a comment anyways.

The Power of Leprechauns&Music

A clever plague has taken over at least 80% of the universe. 

This ingenious and sometimes murderous virus goes by the name "music." Music controls many aspects of any ordinary person's day to day life. If you are by some strange coincidence me, or for some reason think you are me, then music can change the way that your brain works. I listen to music to help me think, or to awaken creativity.


Sometimes music can affect your entire day. For example, my alarm clock wakes me up with lovely music every morning at 6:30. The song choice of the day depends on my mood the night that I set it. Sometimes my music choice is absolutely terrible (like waking up to Bob Marley's I Shot the Sheriff) and I end up being in a bad mood for the rest of the day. However, if I wake up to Noah & the Whale's Blue Skies, the day will inevitably be a good one. Moral to story, music has taken over the world.


And what does wonderful Emerald have to say on the subject of leprechauns? Well, if you were in any way excited to hear about some grimy Irish creature, sorry to dash your spirits. I lured you here under false pretenses, but I hope that someday you will forgive me. If not, it's your loss. Anyways, here's what you should have come here for:

Oh, and the picture is from here.