Jocular Inventions Part 1

I have never seen such cool gloves in my life.

 

This here is a nifty device to keep food out of your hair. Spilling food on your hair just makes you look silly.

Slides--the ultimate form of transportation. Even for businessmen.

Blow your nose on the go!

I have always wanted to put chapstick on my toast.

My two favorite things: toilet paper and iPods.

Now you can carry your fish with you wherever you go!

Do you get tired of constantly explaining how you broke your arm? Then this is for you.

Comfort really is everything.

You definitely do not want your bananas to have to sit out in the fresh air.

Reading in bed was never easier!

If you liked these inventions, please leave a comment below. I found all the pictures on Google.

Hostile Hairnets

I am not the lady in this picture. This picture is from here.

Have you ever wondered why lunch ladies always seem to appear so vicious? Yep, that is the hairnet's effect on mankind.  Hairnets are intimidating and antagonistic. They pollute human nature and (most likely) are preparing for world domination. In fact, they have been getting ready for it for quite some time now. According to all the important news articles in the world, hairnets were around even in ancient Greece. You know what that means? It means that it was most likely some Greek god who invented hairnets. I bet that Ares invented the hairnet as a means to one day rule the entire universe. Just my suspicions though. Don't spread that around because, who knows, you might run into the real inventor. That would be pretty awkward.

Speaking of ugly hats, I'm pretty sure that psychological issues were born around the same time as hairnets were invented. Just a coincidence? I think not.

The way hairnets work is they are made up of a bunch of particles of mind controlling substances that have a bunch of thin little cilium that feed off of any living organism in the proximity. That living organism just happens to be your hair, or if you have none, your head. Doesn't that make all you lunch ladies, bald men, and leprechauns feel so proud of yourselves? Yuck. Just thinking of those bloodthirsty nets makes me want to cough up a hairball.

Have I scared you all out of minds yet? Hopefully I have, or else what I'm going to say next will be of absolutely no use to you. What I'm going to say next is how to identify whether someone is wearing a malicious hairnet or not.

1. Look on their head If they're wearing one, you'll see it.
2. Check your food. If it has absolutely no hairs in it, they're wearing one.
3. Type "is my lunch lady wearing a hairnet" into Google search.

Well, I hope I have warned you all sufficiently of the dangers of hairnets. Now I ask you to all go out and warn your favorite family members, friends, and anyone suffering from alliumphobia. If you have any complaints, Gertrude is on vacation, but feel free to post your reproach below. Or, if you are feeling intellectual, just post a comment anyways.

Ostentatious Overratedness

Some things in life do not deserve half as much attention as they get. My opinion however, deserves attention. Everything I say demands attention from every animal byproduct and Gucci lover in the world. If you are not in either of those categories, please write a detailed email about the inequality and injustice of your social state to my secretary, who will from now on be called Gertrude.
As I was saying, some things are just so ludicrous that no one should ever recommend them to any acquaintance of any sort unless they want that acquaintance to suffer from a long, painful death. Sorry to plague your electronic device with so much Julian Smith, but this video just fit so much into the category of "ludicrous," that I just had to share it.

Though this video appears to be insulting Google, it is not. Google is the single most valuable website in progression of the Universe. If you have never heard of Google, you must be some monkey by the name of Clyde, or some man who suffers from Bananaphobia.

In the end, every male, female, and parrot will have played some part in the success of Google, Julian Smith, and myself, Emerald Avalanche.