Hostile Hairnets

I am not the lady in this picture. This picture is from here.

Have you ever wondered why lunch ladies always seem to appear so vicious? Yep, that is the hairnet's effect on mankind.  Hairnets are intimidating and antagonistic. They pollute human nature and (most likely) are preparing for world domination. In fact, they have been getting ready for it for quite some time now. According to all the important news articles in the world, hairnets were around even in ancient Greece. You know what that means? It means that it was most likely some Greek god who invented hairnets. I bet that Ares invented the hairnet as a means to one day rule the entire universe. Just my suspicions though. Don't spread that around because, who knows, you might run into the real inventor. That would be pretty awkward.

Speaking of ugly hats, I'm pretty sure that psychological issues were born around the same time as hairnets were invented. Just a coincidence? I think not.

The way hairnets work is they are made up of a bunch of particles of mind controlling substances that have a bunch of thin little cilium that feed off of any living organism in the proximity. That living organism just happens to be your hair, or if you have none, your head. Doesn't that make all you lunch ladies, bald men, and leprechauns feel so proud of yourselves? Yuck. Just thinking of those bloodthirsty nets makes me want to cough up a hairball.

Have I scared you all out of minds yet? Hopefully I have, or else what I'm going to say next will be of absolutely no use to you. What I'm going to say next is how to identify whether someone is wearing a malicious hairnet or not.

1. Look on their head If they're wearing one, you'll see it.
2. Check your food. If it has absolutely no hairs in it, they're wearing one.
3. Type "is my lunch lady wearing a hairnet" into Google search.

Well, I hope I have warned you all sufficiently of the dangers of hairnets. Now I ask you to all go out and warn your favorite family members, friends, and anyone suffering from alliumphobia. If you have any complaints, Gertrude is on vacation, but feel free to post your reproach below. Or, if you are feeling intellectual, just post a comment anyways.