Disposable Doilies & What They Lead To

As I'm sure you're already aware, Halloween is coming up. You know what that means? It means you have to watch a whole bunch of movies that make you pee your pants, fling popcorn in your neighbor's face, and eat candy corn like the kids in Lord of the Flies ate wild pigs. By the way, Lord of the Flies is a good example of a dystopian novel. A dystopia is a utopia that goes all wrong and becomes the opposite of a utopia for some people. If you still have no idea what a dystopia is, read The Giver or volunteer for the hunger games. Okay, now that all you unintellectual people have a vague idea of what this world is coming to, I will move onto more difficult, important subjects.

Doilies. Doilies are perfectly sewn rags that old people use at tea parties and to cover a deceased person's face. They've been around for about as long as Harvard. Yet, they are still considered fancy. In my opinion, they probably soak the doilies in bleach and glue every night to keep them looking nice. Anything that's been in use for 400 years tends to look a little crusty and...old. My advice for you is:

If you are eating at someone's house and they serve you a cookie on a doily, don't accept it. It probably hasn't ever been washed in the 400 years that it's been around. Remind yourself that the only reason that it isn't the color of chocolate is because they bleach it. I'm afraid that if you were to even touch an ancient doily, your bones would rot and you would become a mummy.

However, they have now invented a special kind of doily that even those aware of  their side affects will cautiously use. They're called "disposable doilies." This means that after one day in use, the owner can throw it away without worrying that by getting rid of it, they are disgracing the name of their great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother who sewed it when she was coming across on the Mayflower. Gosh, civilization is progressing so much that now we can throw away disgusting doilies. Ah, but don't get too happy, my loyal reader. Disposable doilies are the first step towards a dystopian earth. What a cheerful future we have in store for us.

Happy Halloween. I hope that this story enabled you to accomplish some of the necessary Halloween traditions, such as peeing your pants and eating candy corn.

17 Things To Do With Waffles

I hope that there were at least a dozen spontaneous sobs when you all realized that your favorite person in the world, me, didn't post when I was supposed to. And why is that? Well, I feel as if someone has been yelling "ROOM SERVICE" in my ear every 3 seconds for the past couple of  hours. In other words, I have a headache. Yes, you can feel sorry for me all you want, or you can cheer me up by going away. No, just kidding. I would never disappoint someone like that. Instead, I am just going to post three hours later than I usually do, because you know what? A little suspense never killed anyone. Well, except that one guy.

Anyways, waffles. To start off, here is an inspirational song about the history of waffles.

1. Make a castle out of them.

2. Throw them at people.

3. Play heads or tails.

4. Start a game of checkers by conveniently putting syrup in only half the squares.

5. One word: Air hockey.

6. Disguise it as a pancake.

7. Bite eyes and a mouth in one and use it as a mask.

8. Give all your friends a motivational speech about the inequality between waffles and pancakes. I mean really. Why is it that pancakes always get better treatment?!

9. Hand them out to homeless people in the park.

10. Go to the check-out at a store and ask if they accept waffles as a currency.

11. Eat them like a llama. (If you are not sure how to do this, just watch Emperor's New Groove or contact Beatrice, my friend who's hoping to get a Ph.D. in eating like a llama.)

12. Make a hundred waffles, sew them all together, and use them as a blanket. Or pillow. They both work.

13. Make puppets out of them.

14. Create a waffle sculpture in the shape of a turkey and show it off to all your acquaintances.

15. Invent a way to be intimidating while eating them.

16. Use them as a hairnet.

17. Don't share them.

Although, if you want to have cool friends, you had better share your waffles. Putting someone else before yourself never hurt anyone. Well, except that one guy. Anyways, if you're wondering where the picture is from, it's from here.

Yowling Yodelers

In my opinion, yodeling sounds like a lemur being blended up in a helicopter propeller that's made out of jello. But you know, you can't blame lemurs for the screeching sounds that come out of their mouth. Anyone in that situation would sound the same. Actually, if a leprechaun were being blended up, I bet it would sound a bit more interesting. Extra credit to anyone who tries it. Just not at home.

Anyways, speaking of yodelers, yodel actually means to utter the syllable "yo." Doesn't that mean that all you should hear is, "yooooooooyooyoyooooyooyoyoyoy?" But for some reason, that is not the case. Instead we hear a bunch of, "Yoddlegurgleyeaaaaaohdelalalagobblelinglingla." According to my calculations, yodelers need to learn how to actually yodel instead of sounding like turkeys.

The real reason that yodeling was even invented was not to show off your zero musical talent, but to communicate with herders in the alps. Yes, the alps. Like where they make chocolate. You know what I always say... "What happens in the alps stays in the alps." That should've been the case, but then a bunch of very nonintellectuals decided to give life to a dying art. Actually, it isn't even art. It's a misplacing of what could, if you lived in China, be referred to as talent.

Believe it or not, there is an article on Wikipedia called, "First Professional Yodelers in the United States." What a paradox. No one in their right mind would put the words "professional" and "yodel" in the same sentence. I no longer respect Wikipedia as I once did. Any website that has a full page on yodeling does not deserve even an ounce of respect.

Moral to story: if you want to waste your life yowling like Tarzan and wearing nothing but a cloth, go ahead. But as for me, I am going to spend my time wisely....writing about the peculiarities of human nature.

If you're wondering where the picture is from, it's from here.

Puerile Things To Do... In A Hotel Elevator

• Welcome people who enter by saying "I've been waiting for you."
• Climb up the elevator shaft with your teeth.
• Start a game of monopoly in the middle of the elevator.
• "I spy something grey!" and keep repeating until someone answers.
• Start a mosh pit.
• Ask, "Did you feel that?"
• Sit in the middle of the elevator and growl at anyone who bumps you.
• Turn around and say, "I'm sure you're all wondering why I gathered you here."
• Bring a luggage carrier from the lobby, pretend like you're a monkey, and start screaming and banging   on the bars.
• Every time someone gets on, yell "Hide it! Quick!" and then put your hands behind your back and whistle innocently.
• Drop something, and then when someone bends to pick it up, yell, "hey, that's mine!"
• Bring a mic and start up some karaoke.
• Ask, "does anyone have a phone I can borrow?" and then call one of their contacts and talk for hours.
• Act like you're about to cry and ask people, "have you seen my pet scorpion?"
• Have loud conversations with your other personalities.
• Make sure that all the buttons on the button panel are always pressed and lit up.
• Bring some perfume and start spraying everyone that enters.
• Start a game of Twister.
• Tell everyone about the history of hairnets.
• Hesitantly get off the elevator, and then get back on, and go back and forth, pretending that you're having a nervous breakdown
• If any of the passengers have luggage, ask them if they brought any toothpaste. If they did, beg to borrow some.
• Start a lemonade stand with coffee from the lobby.
• Group hug!
• If anyone tries to enter in a swimsuit, tell them, "Socks and shirts or no service."
• Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
• Every time the doors are sliding open, pretend like you have the force.
• Sing "This is the song that never ends"
• Bring a water gun and starting shooting everyone.
• Tell stupid jokes.
• Pretend like everyone on the elevator is deaf, and start yelling "room service!" right in their ear, and then keep yelling it until they get off.
• Try to order pizza on the emergency phone.
• Any time someone gets on, offer to give them a tour of the elevator.
• Talk on your cellphone about some guy who's on the loose, then when you have everyone's attention, yell, "I think I found him!" and point at the most innocent looking of the group.
• Play dead.

I got some of these from various websites. I also had help from January Galaxy and Candy Panda. And I made up the rest.