How to Be Intimidating

1. Make your face look exactly opposite to the one above.

2. Cackle instead of giggling and make sure to add in lots of vowels.

3. Stare down at people with your eyebrows doing the tango.

4. Pretend like everything is a secret so that everyone assumes you are a mysterious character.

5. Get some serious muscles that make everyone run away in embarrassment.

6. Use fancy vocabulary that makes even the most sophisticated of men resort to their dictionary.

7. Talk with a Russian or Finnish accent.

8. Walk like an injured athlete mixed with a devilish cat.

9. Act as though anything anyone says was directed at your grandmother.

10. Wear cologne that smells of your menacing aura.

11. Loudly smack while chewing gum.

12. Clang pots to announce your arrival.

13. Brag about all the spelling bees you won.

14. Replace your left hand with a hook or Christmas ornament.

15. Wear tap shoes down an empty alley.

16. Eat cotton candy in front of little kids, without offering them any.

17. Don't drive. Hitchhike.

18. Yodel happy birthday to all the pedestrians you see.

19. When you meet someone and they reach forward to shake your hand, give them a dead llama handshake.

20. Always leave things unsaid.

21.

The copyrights to this list belong to me, Emerald Avalanche, but I had some help from Cai-Jo and January Galaxy.

Hostile Hairnets

I am not the lady in this picture. This picture is from here.

Have you ever wondered why lunch ladies always seem to appear so vicious? Yep, that is the hairnet's effect on mankind.  Hairnets are intimidating and antagonistic. They pollute human nature and (most likely) are preparing for world domination. In fact, they have been getting ready for it for quite some time now. According to all the important news articles in the world, hairnets were around even in ancient Greece. You know what that means? It means that it was most likely some Greek god who invented hairnets. I bet that Ares invented the hairnet as a means to one day rule the entire universe. Just my suspicions though. Don't spread that around because, who knows, you might run into the real inventor. That would be pretty awkward.

Speaking of ugly hats, I'm pretty sure that psychological issues were born around the same time as hairnets were invented. Just a coincidence? I think not.

The way hairnets work is they are made up of a bunch of particles of mind controlling substances that have a bunch of thin little cilium that feed off of any living organism in the proximity. That living organism just happens to be your hair, or if you have none, your head. Doesn't that make all you lunch ladies, bald men, and leprechauns feel so proud of yourselves? Yuck. Just thinking of those bloodthirsty nets makes me want to cough up a hairball.

Have I scared you all out of minds yet? Hopefully I have, or else what I'm going to say next will be of absolutely no use to you. What I'm going to say next is how to identify whether someone is wearing a malicious hairnet or not.

1. Look on their head If they're wearing one, you'll see it.
2. Check your food. If it has absolutely no hairs in it, they're wearing one.
3. Type "is my lunch lady wearing a hairnet" into Google search.

Well, I hope I have warned you all sufficiently of the dangers of hairnets. Now I ask you to all go out and warn your favorite family members, friends, and anyone suffering from alliumphobia. If you have any complaints, Gertrude is on vacation, but feel free to post your reproach below. Or, if you are feeling intellectual, just post a comment anyways.

Absentminded Aquatic Amnesiacs

I'm posting today solely for the purpose of getting business booming like a mine field again, because you know what? Looking at my stats is quite depressing, especially if the views are under two digits. Okay, now that I have stated my opinions on life, the government, and men in general, we shall move on. But first, a joke...

Q: How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: To get the other side!

If you are suffering from Alzheimer's or have a close relative suffering from it, my apologies. This joke was not directed at you, but at the clown fish in Australia. Speaking of fish, I once had a colorful paper fish hanging from my ceiling. But then she died, and we flushed her down the trash. On this very day 8 years ago, was her death day. She was a great friend to all mimes, nuns, and almonds. And I think that she will have some very nice friends at the junk yard, if they haven't cremated her yet. Sorry to depress you with talk of my aquatic paper pet, but some things just stay with you forever.

This is not my actual fish, because sadly, my fish is dead.
I stole this fish from a terrific place.

Psychologically speaking, (and also according to my English teacher,) people cannot think until they have words in their head. This is a simple explanation as to why I remember absolutely every boring detail of my childhood, including every single time that anyone ever promised me anything. Tip: don't promise me anything or tell me anything that you want me to forget. It won't happen. Because I, an intellectual human bean, do not forget.

Here is a simple test to find out whether you are intellectual or not. Go back 20 words, read, and if your brain does not connect that it is indeed supposed to say being, instead of bean, then you are not intellectual. But no need to worry, hardly anyone in this world is anyways. I just happen to be the exception. Be jealous all you want, comment how this post affected you psychologically, and if you see my pet fish, tell her I miss her. Tip: don't make fish out of paper...Save the trees!

Baffling Buses

                                             I was not on this bus. This bus is from here.

"When traveling by bus, it is always difficult to decide whether you should sit in a seat by the window, a seat on the aisle, or a seat in the middle. If you take an aisle seat, you have the advantage of being able to stretch your legs whenever you like, but you have the disadvantage of people walking by you, and they can accidentally step on your toes or spill something on your clothing. If you take a window seat, you have the advantage of getting a clear view of the scenery, but you have the disadvantage of watching insects die was they hit the glass. If you take the middle seat, you have neither of these advantages, and you have the added disadvantage of people leaning all over you when they fall asleep. You can see at once why you should always hire a limousine or rent a mule rather than take the bus to your destination." - Lemony Snicket

My experiences on buses are probably some of the most interesting and influential moments of my day. For example, one day when I was riding the bus into the city with a friend we will from now on be calling Beatrice, a blind man did not see that I was there (hahaha... I am so pun-full) and actually sat on my lap before Beatrice told him he was crushing a human being, not a seat.

Another time, when I was riding the bus back from the city with a handful of friends, there was a group of maybe five or so hippies all strumming their way to the beach. One of the hippies, who was covered in fake henna and playing the guitar, was not expecting the bus to turn so sharply, and fell on my lap, guitar and all. Of course, my friends did not come to my aid, but merely laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation.

Those of course are just two examples of my strangely bizarre encounters with buses. Maybe if you get on your knees and promise me some tapioca pudding, I will condescend to telling you my other wonderful stories involving buses. No, actually I have never had tapioca pudding, and don't plan to. But if you'd like, you could give me some money or a bald poodle or something else of interest.
Also, if you, my sometimes fickle reader, have something contrariwise to say about buses or have anything important to say at all, you can report to my secretary, Gertrude, or just post a comment below.

Ostentatious Overratedness

Some things in life do not deserve half as much attention as they get. My opinion however, deserves attention. Everything I say demands attention from every animal byproduct and Gucci lover in the world. If you are not in either of those categories, please write a detailed email about the inequality and injustice of your social state to my secretary, who will from now on be called Gertrude.
As I was saying, some things are just so ludicrous that no one should ever recommend them to any acquaintance of any sort unless they want that acquaintance to suffer from a long, painful death. Sorry to plague your electronic device with so much Julian Smith, but this video just fit so much into the category of "ludicrous," that I just had to share it.

Though this video appears to be insulting Google, it is not. Google is the single most valuable website in progression of the Universe. If you have never heard of Google, you must be some monkey by the name of Clyde, or some man who suffers from Bananaphobia.

In the end, every male, female, and parrot will have played some part in the success of Google, Julian Smith, and myself, Emerald Avalanche.

Malevolent Monday

Emerald sat at the computer and did what she did every Monday: she pretended it wasn't indeed the day that the calendar said it was. In fact, she almost had herself fooled into believing that it was still the weekend, when something spectacular happened. Julian Smith sang her a song. This song.

Now hopefully you understand why the circumstances changed, why Emerald is a little bit cranky, and why she has tried to cheer herself up by speaking in third person. Primarily, she had thought that speaking with a British accent would cheer herself up, but then she realized that it is very hard to write with an accent, and so attempted to console herself by using the unique technique "pretending that you are not yourself, but are instead someone else watching yourself."

In the end, Emerald gave up on the whole idea of trying to make herself cheerful. However, you may still have a chance. Whenever other people who are not Emerald become a little bit grumpy, they usually try something a little bit tedious like telling jokes. Here I will provide you with an example of a joke.

Q: What did one lawyer say to another lawyer?

A: We are both lawyers.            

Just in case you were wondering, the picture is from here.                                                                                                                             

Useless Knowlede Part 1: Dr. Seuss

                   
Dr. Seuss is, and always has been, one of my heroes. Never in the history of man has there been a writer with so much creativity, and so much influence on the world. Below I have listed every ounce of pointless knowledge about him that my brain holds.

• His Real name is Theodore Seuss Geisel.
• Seuss is pronounced "Zoice."
• He never had any kids, but dedicated one of his books to imaginary daughter Chrysanthemum-Pearl.
• His first book, And To Think I Saw It On Mulberry Street was rejected by 27 publishing companies before finally being accepted.
• The first recorded instance of the word "nerd" was in If I Ran the Zoo.
• He wrote The Cat In the Hat because children thought Dick and Jane were too boring.
• It took 9 months to write.
• The cat is portrayed as the Christ figure. He arrived suddenly, performed miraculous tricks, and couldn't win over everyone. 
• Mack, from Yertle the Turle, was the first character to burp in a children's book.
• Yertle symbolizes Hitler
• Dr. Seuss' editor, Bennet Cerf, bet that he couldn't write a book with 50 words or less, which produced Green Eggs and Ham.
• He wrote The Lorax in 45 minutes.
• It used to contain the line, "I hear things are just as bad up in Lake Erie." But the Ohio Sea Grant Program wrote and said conditions were better and begged to have that line removed. Now later editions don't have that line anymore.
• Marvin K. Mooney, Will You Please Go Now is thought to be about Richard Nixon.
• The Butter Battle Book is about the cold war and arms race.
• It was on the New York Times' bestseller list for 6 months...for adults.
• Oh The Places You'll Go, Dr. Seuss' final book, sells 300,000 copies a year, due to the fact that it is an ideal graduation gift.

Please feel free to share your newly accumulated useless knowledge with every relative and friend within the vicinity, or not.