Disposable Doilies & What They Lead To

As I'm sure you're already aware, Halloween is coming up. You know what that means? It means you have to watch a whole bunch of movies that make you pee your pants, fling popcorn in your neighbor's face, and eat candy corn like the kids in Lord of the Flies ate wild pigs. By the way, Lord of the Flies is a good example of a dystopian novel. A dystopia is a utopia that goes all wrong and becomes the opposite of a utopia for some people. If you still have no idea what a dystopia is, read The Giver or volunteer for the hunger games. Okay, now that all you unintellectual people have a vague idea of what this world is coming to, I will move onto more difficult, important subjects.

Doilies. Doilies are perfectly sewn rags that old people use at tea parties and to cover a deceased person's face. They've been around for about as long as Harvard. Yet, they are still considered fancy. In my opinion, they probably soak the doilies in bleach and glue every night to keep them looking nice. Anything that's been in use for 400 years tends to look a little crusty and...old. My advice for you is:

If you are eating at someone's house and they serve you a cookie on a doily, don't accept it. It probably hasn't ever been washed in the 400 years that it's been around. Remind yourself that the only reason that it isn't the color of chocolate is because they bleach it. I'm afraid that if you were to even touch an ancient doily, your bones would rot and you would become a mummy.

However, they have now invented a special kind of doily that even those aware of  their side affects will cautiously use. They're called "disposable doilies." This means that after one day in use, the owner can throw it away without worrying that by getting rid of it, they are disgracing the name of their great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother who sewed it when she was coming across on the Mayflower. Gosh, civilization is progressing so much that now we can throw away disgusting doilies. Ah, but don't get too happy, my loyal reader. Disposable doilies are the first step towards a dystopian earth. What a cheerful future we have in store for us.

Happy Halloween. I hope that this story enabled you to accomplish some of the necessary Halloween traditions, such as peeing your pants and eating candy corn.

17 Things To Do With Waffles

I hope that there were at least a dozen spontaneous sobs when you all realized that your favorite person in the world, me, didn't post when I was supposed to. And why is that? Well, I feel as if someone has been yelling "ROOM SERVICE" in my ear every 3 seconds for the past couple of  hours. In other words, I have a headache. Yes, you can feel sorry for me all you want, or you can cheer me up by going away. No, just kidding. I would never disappoint someone like that. Instead, I am just going to post three hours later than I usually do, because you know what? A little suspense never killed anyone. Well, except that one guy.

Anyways, waffles. To start off, here is an inspirational song about the history of waffles.

1. Make a castle out of them.

2. Throw them at people.

3. Play heads or tails.

4. Start a game of checkers by conveniently putting syrup in only half the squares.

5. One word: Air hockey.

6. Disguise it as a pancake.

7. Bite eyes and a mouth in one and use it as a mask.

8. Give all your friends a motivational speech about the inequality between waffles and pancakes. I mean really. Why is it that pancakes always get better treatment?!

9. Hand them out to homeless people in the park.

10. Go to the check-out at a store and ask if they accept waffles as a currency.

11. Eat them like a llama. (If you are not sure how to do this, just watch Emperor's New Groove or contact Beatrice, my friend who's hoping to get a Ph.D. in eating like a llama.)

12. Make a hundred waffles, sew them all together, and use them as a blanket. Or pillow. They both work.

13. Make puppets out of them.

14. Create a waffle sculpture in the shape of a turkey and show it off to all your acquaintances.

15. Invent a way to be intimidating while eating them.

16. Use them as a hairnet.

17. Don't share them.

Although, if you want to have cool friends, you had better share your waffles. Putting someone else before yourself never hurt anyone. Well, except that one guy. Anyways, if you're wondering where the picture is from, it's from here.

Yowling Yodelers

In my opinion, yodeling sounds like a lemur being blended up in a helicopter propeller that's made out of jello. But you know, you can't blame lemurs for the screeching sounds that come out of their mouth. Anyone in that situation would sound the same. Actually, if a leprechaun were being blended up, I bet it would sound a bit more interesting. Extra credit to anyone who tries it. Just not at home.

Anyways, speaking of yodelers, yodel actually means to utter the syllable "yo." Doesn't that mean that all you should hear is, "yooooooooyooyoyooooyooyoyoyoy?" But for some reason, that is not the case. Instead we hear a bunch of, "Yoddlegurgleyeaaaaaohdelalalagobblelinglingla." According to my calculations, yodelers need to learn how to actually yodel instead of sounding like turkeys.

The real reason that yodeling was even invented was not to show off your zero musical talent, but to communicate with herders in the alps. Yes, the alps. Like where they make chocolate. You know what I always say... "What happens in the alps stays in the alps." That should've been the case, but then a bunch of very nonintellectuals decided to give life to a dying art. Actually, it isn't even art. It's a misplacing of what could, if you lived in China, be referred to as talent.

Believe it or not, there is an article on Wikipedia called, "First Professional Yodelers in the United States." What a paradox. No one in their right mind would put the words "professional" and "yodel" in the same sentence. I no longer respect Wikipedia as I once did. Any website that has a full page on yodeling does not deserve even an ounce of respect.

Moral to story: if you want to waste your life yowling like Tarzan and wearing nothing but a cloth, go ahead. But as for me, I am going to spend my time wisely....writing about the peculiarities of human nature.

If you're wondering where the picture is from, it's from here.

Puerile Things To Do... In A Hotel Elevator

• Welcome people who enter by saying "I've been waiting for you."
• Climb up the elevator shaft with your teeth.
• Start a game of monopoly in the middle of the elevator.
• "I spy something grey!" and keep repeating until someone answers.
• Start a mosh pit.
• Ask, "Did you feel that?"
• Sit in the middle of the elevator and growl at anyone who bumps you.
• Turn around and say, "I'm sure you're all wondering why I gathered you here."
• Bring a luggage carrier from the lobby, pretend like you're a monkey, and start screaming and banging   on the bars.
• Every time someone gets on, yell "Hide it! Quick!" and then put your hands behind your back and whistle innocently.
• Drop something, and then when someone bends to pick it up, yell, "hey, that's mine!"
• Bring a mic and start up some karaoke.
• Ask, "does anyone have a phone I can borrow?" and then call one of their contacts and talk for hours.
• Act like you're about to cry and ask people, "have you seen my pet scorpion?"
• Have loud conversations with your other personalities.
• Make sure that all the buttons on the button panel are always pressed and lit up.
• Bring some perfume and start spraying everyone that enters.
• Start a game of Twister.
• Tell everyone about the history of hairnets.
• Hesitantly get off the elevator, and then get back on, and go back and forth, pretending that you're having a nervous breakdown
• If any of the passengers have luggage, ask them if they brought any toothpaste. If they did, beg to borrow some.
• Start a lemonade stand with coffee from the lobby.
• Group hug!
• If anyone tries to enter in a swimsuit, tell them, "Socks and shirts or no service."
• Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
• Every time the doors are sliding open, pretend like you have the force.
• Sing "This is the song that never ends"
• Bring a water gun and starting shooting everyone.
• Tell stupid jokes.
• Pretend like everyone on the elevator is deaf, and start yelling "room service!" right in their ear, and then keep yelling it until they get off.
• Try to order pizza on the emergency phone.
• Any time someone gets on, offer to give them a tour of the elevator.
• Talk on your cellphone about some guy who's on the loose, then when you have everyone's attention, yell, "I think I found him!" and point at the most innocent looking of the group.
• Play dead.

I got some of these from various websites. I also had help from January Galaxy and Candy Panda. And I made up the rest.

How to Be Intimidating

1. Make your face look exactly opposite to the one above.

2. Cackle instead of giggling and make sure to add in lots of vowels.

3. Stare down at people with your eyebrows doing the tango.

4. Pretend like everything is a secret so that everyone assumes you are a mysterious character.

5. Get some serious muscles that make everyone run away in embarrassment.

6. Use fancy vocabulary that makes even the most sophisticated of men resort to their dictionary.

7. Talk with a Russian or Finnish accent.

8. Walk like an injured athlete mixed with a devilish cat.

9. Act as though anything anyone says was directed at your grandmother.

10. Wear cologne that smells of your menacing aura.

11. Loudly smack while chewing gum.

12. Clang pots to announce your arrival.

13. Brag about all the spelling bees you won.

14. Replace your left hand with a hook or Christmas ornament.

15. Wear tap shoes down an empty alley.

16. Eat cotton candy in front of little kids, without offering them any.

17. Don't drive. Hitchhike.

18. Yodel happy birthday to all the pedestrians you see.

19. When you meet someone and they reach forward to shake your hand, give them a dead llama handshake.

20. Always leave things unsaid.

21.

The copyrights to this list belong to me, Emerald Avalanche, but I had some help from Cai-Jo and January Galaxy.

Hostile Hairnets

I am not the lady in this picture. This picture is from here.

Have you ever wondered why lunch ladies always seem to appear so vicious? Yep, that is the hairnet's effect on mankind.  Hairnets are intimidating and antagonistic. They pollute human nature and (most likely) are preparing for world domination. In fact, they have been getting ready for it for quite some time now. According to all the important news articles in the world, hairnets were around even in ancient Greece. You know what that means? It means that it was most likely some Greek god who invented hairnets. I bet that Ares invented the hairnet as a means to one day rule the entire universe. Just my suspicions though. Don't spread that around because, who knows, you might run into the real inventor. That would be pretty awkward.

Speaking of ugly hats, I'm pretty sure that psychological issues were born around the same time as hairnets were invented. Just a coincidence? I think not.

The way hairnets work is they are made up of a bunch of particles of mind controlling substances that have a bunch of thin little cilium that feed off of any living organism in the proximity. That living organism just happens to be your hair, or if you have none, your head. Doesn't that make all you lunch ladies, bald men, and leprechauns feel so proud of yourselves? Yuck. Just thinking of those bloodthirsty nets makes me want to cough up a hairball.

Have I scared you all out of minds yet? Hopefully I have, or else what I'm going to say next will be of absolutely no use to you. What I'm going to say next is how to identify whether someone is wearing a malicious hairnet or not.

1. Look on their head If they're wearing one, you'll see it.
2. Check your food. If it has absolutely no hairs in it, they're wearing one.
3. Type "is my lunch lady wearing a hairnet" into Google search.

Well, I hope I have warned you all sufficiently of the dangers of hairnets. Now I ask you to all go out and warn your favorite family members, friends, and anyone suffering from alliumphobia. If you have any complaints, Gertrude is on vacation, but feel free to post your reproach below. Or, if you are feeling intellectual, just post a comment anyways.

Absentminded Aquatic Amnesiacs

I'm posting today solely for the purpose of getting business booming like a mine field again, because you know what? Looking at my stats is quite depressing, especially if the views are under two digits. Okay, now that I have stated my opinions on life, the government, and men in general, we shall move on. But first, a joke...

Q: How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: To get the other side!

If you are suffering from Alzheimer's or have a close relative suffering from it, my apologies. This joke was not directed at you, but at the clown fish in Australia. Speaking of fish, I once had a colorful paper fish hanging from my ceiling. But then she died, and we flushed her down the trash. On this very day 8 years ago, was her death day. She was a great friend to all mimes, nuns, and almonds. And I think that she will have some very nice friends at the junk yard, if they haven't cremated her yet. Sorry to depress you with talk of my aquatic paper pet, but some things just stay with you forever.

This is not my actual fish, because sadly, my fish is dead.
I stole this fish from a terrific place.

Psychologically speaking, (and also according to my English teacher,) people cannot think until they have words in their head. This is a simple explanation as to why I remember absolutely every boring detail of my childhood, including every single time that anyone ever promised me anything. Tip: don't promise me anything or tell me anything that you want me to forget. It won't happen. Because I, an intellectual human bean, do not forget.

Here is a simple test to find out whether you are intellectual or not. Go back 20 words, read, and if your brain does not connect that it is indeed supposed to say being, instead of bean, then you are not intellectual. But no need to worry, hardly anyone in this world is anyways. I just happen to be the exception. Be jealous all you want, comment how this post affected you psychologically, and if you see my pet fish, tell her I miss her. Tip: don't make fish out of paper...Save the trees!