Shocking Stalkers

Have you ever felt like you were being followed?

I have. It was when I was thirteen and I went out for ice cream with my best friend and her little sister. We were having a perfectly happy, uneventful time eating ice cream. But when we started walking the two miles home, we had the feeling that we were being followed. We turned around, and sure enough, this old Mexican guy who was wearing pink bell-bottoms, a jean jacket, and a cowboy hat. And let me tell you, the combination was pretty intimidation.True story. My friend even snapped a picture, because we knew that someday we would be telling the story and no one would believe us. Well, here's my proof.

It's a little bit blurry because it was taken on a phone, but at least it's proof. Anyways, so this guy followed us for two miles, and he managed to catch up to us at one point and when he did, he reached out and touched my curly blonde hair and said with a wretched smile on his face, "hey, beautiful." Needless to say, we ran for our lives. And we hid in my friend's house. Forever. 

So tell me your shocking stalker stories.

17 Things To Do With Waffles

I hope that there were at least a dozen spontaneous sobs when you all realized that your favorite person in the world, me, didn't post when I was supposed to. And why is that? Well, I feel as if someone has been yelling "ROOM SERVICE" in my ear every 3 seconds for the past couple of  hours. In other words, I have a headache. Yes, you can feel sorry for me all you want, or you can cheer me up by going away. No, just kidding. I would never disappoint someone like that. Instead, I am just going to post three hours later than I usually do, because you know what? A little suspense never killed anyone. Well, except that one guy.

Anyways, waffles. To start off, here is an inspirational song about the history of waffles.

1. Make a castle out of them.

2. Throw them at people.

3. Play heads or tails.

4. Start a game of checkers by conveniently putting syrup in only half the squares.

5. One word: Air hockey.

6. Disguise it as a pancake.

7. Bite eyes and a mouth in one and use it as a mask.

8. Give all your friends a motivational speech about the inequality between waffles and pancakes. I mean really. Why is it that pancakes always get better treatment?!

9. Hand them out to homeless people in the park.

10. Go to the check-out at a store and ask if they accept waffles as a currency.

11. Eat them like a llama. (If you are not sure how to do this, just watch Emperor's New Groove or contact Beatrice, my friend who's hoping to get a Ph.D. in eating like a llama.)

12. Make a hundred waffles, sew them all together, and use them as a blanket. Or pillow. They both work.

13. Make puppets out of them.

14. Create a waffle sculpture in the shape of a turkey and show it off to all your acquaintances.

15. Invent a way to be intimidating while eating them.

16. Use them as a hairnet.

17. Don't share them.

Although, if you want to have cool friends, you had better share your waffles. Putting someone else before yourself never hurt anyone. Well, except that one guy. Anyways, if you're wondering where the picture is from, it's from here.

How to Be Intimidating

1. Make your face look exactly opposite to the one above.

2. Cackle instead of giggling and make sure to add in lots of vowels.

3. Stare down at people with your eyebrows doing the tango.

4. Pretend like everything is a secret so that everyone assumes you are a mysterious character.

5. Get some serious muscles that make everyone run away in embarrassment.

6. Use fancy vocabulary that makes even the most sophisticated of men resort to their dictionary.

7. Talk with a Russian or Finnish accent.

8. Walk like an injured athlete mixed with a devilish cat.

9. Act as though anything anyone says was directed at your grandmother.

10. Wear cologne that smells of your menacing aura.

11. Loudly smack while chewing gum.

12. Clang pots to announce your arrival.

13. Brag about all the spelling bees you won.

14. Replace your left hand with a hook or Christmas ornament.

15. Wear tap shoes down an empty alley.

16. Eat cotton candy in front of little kids, without offering them any.

17. Don't drive. Hitchhike.

18. Yodel happy birthday to all the pedestrians you see.

19. When you meet someone and they reach forward to shake your hand, give them a dead llama handshake.

20. Always leave things unsaid.

21.

The copyrights to this list belong to me, Emerald Avalanche, but I had some help from Cai-Jo and January Galaxy.